six-strings hatchet

coming for you

were you listening

when you were supposed to?

damn if you do

damn if you don't

why worry about the outcome

when you already know?

large-scale protest happening

in the hearts of the faithful

in the minds of the farce

do i need to say it again?

what will you do when all falls apart

to pick up the pieces by hand

or to let the crumbles settle down into dust?

wish you may 

wish you will

wish you would understand

but only time will tell.

...

#sorrynotsorry #bye #upinflames

on the 8th, i was kissing You. 

on the 9th, We were making grand Love.

on the 10th, i looked back to the 8th and 9th.

i could only remember the fragments of You but everything else was polluted and gone.

on the 11th, i threw caution to the wind and just

Love You

from moment to moment

savouring every breath together

falling in Love with You

over and over and over again.

making slow Love and dancing in the dark

Our hearts beating as One

again and again and again.

You only Love once

#yolo

acquiring the skills of the listeners,

practising the independence of the solo-realisers, 

inculcating the magnanimity of the compassionate ones...

these are phases of the path towards Awakening.

what would Big do without the Small?

just as who would Buddha be if there is no Mara?

what would there be to realise? to be Awakened from?

similarly,

for conception to be realised,

Mother and Father are required. 

would a male know its capacities without a female (and vice versa)?

despite being aware,

familiarity still breeds contempt and classical conditioning invites laxity.

...

yes, being born as a human is such a precious opportunity.

however, being a human in this harsh fleeting environment where retrogression is a moment to moment affair...

...can bring one to their knees and head to their hands especially when survival is already a daily ongoing struggle.

now, what's next?

...

thus,

break the mould.

break it.

stomp on the notions of identities and structures.

just because you are sentient doesn't mean that they are.

or are they?

and what you think you know, 

do you really know or are you just...

thinking that you're teaching when you're regurgitating what listeners do,

or,

being faulted for roaming freely in thought and in mind when all you are trying to do is to breathe in this pollution,

or,

spreading yourself so thin and allowing everyone to walk all over you, and seeing this deed as a compassionate one.

...

vehicles. they are carriers. channels. means.

when the mind is soaked in indulgence and lack,

it goes...

dry.

...

so, 

sponge it or wick it?

your call.

...

ps. technically, it is possible to circumnavigate around the globe utilising various means (vehicles aka transportation?), so does teaching. there are so many methods of that interaction other than the utilitarian or traditional. personally, a successful lesson is the one that inspires, shifts, changes and spurs...yes, literally one that brings one to Awakening✨

...not being okay. 

i think this is so important. it's like, being okay with pain. being okay with sadness. being okay with disappointment. just being okay.

there's some amount of letting go and acceptance, isn't it? 

accepting that this is the flow despite trying and sometimes (or rather most of the time), discomfort can hit quite close to heart. there's anxiety and worries about the "what ifs" even though nothing of that level of mentally-created calamity has happened. 

it's just uncomfortable. now, what do we do?

see, it's about wanting to "do something". so, we just keep doing and doing and doing...to alleviate the discomfort. but, are we? or are we just stuffing everything underneath once again? are we looking at discomfort and go, "i know you. let's resolve this once and for all." or are we escaping? running away? shunning? 

can we be okay with that? 

all i know is that it'll keep coming back until we face it squarely, admit to ourselves that "yes, i am not okay and that's okay. now, let's heal. let's get down to business and do the real work." 

are we willing to? it's going to take a heck lot of heart opening but i can say that it is worth it. 

faith. 

faith in the three giant jewels and trust in our ability to heal. we got to have some faith so we can move out and not keep running in circles, isn't it? 

one of the hardest things for me is to witness fellow sentients walking into/running towards the furnace knowing full well that i can't stop them despite trying to do everything in my power to stop/warn them. and for this, i'm not okay but i have to be okay with it because (unfortunately/fortunately) this must happen in order for the next step to happen albeit painful. 

see the cycle there? it perpetuates. not just within one person but to others as well. but such is life here and #trainingground. 

currently, it's the best training regime towards senses stability 🦾

okay so i wanted to write more about the theme on acceptance but i realised that there are enough posts here about that topic so let's move on to another: control.

oh this. personally, i think this is the dance partner of ignorance. 

how many times have we read/heard/seen of people "losing control" or "wanting control"? too many times. and if by now you also realise where i'm swinging with this post, yes - i'm still on the theme of acceptance but perhaps, another facet of it and what do i mean?

say, you accept that you need to accomplish this. so you have a plan and you go out there and try to achieve. but one foot out of the door and after an hour's drive or ride to the location which you were supposed to meet someone, you found out that you had forgotten to bring your necessities. then, you see the person that you're going to meet. many things are going through your head now. you had promised to buy this person a meal today but you don't have any money (physical wallet or digital wallet) with you. 

"oh no, what will he/she think of me?" "what if he/she thinks i am unreliable or irresponsible?" "if i were to tell him/her that i had forgotten my wallet, i mean, i'm already a grown-ass adult, how can i be this irresponsible/forgetful?" "oh no, is something wrong with me? do i have dementia?"

okay, you can imagine and pepper the rest of the situation...but what's the immediate? do you respond or do you react? and yes, there is a difference there. and would we start blaming ourselves for being this and that (or worse, we start blaming the other for causing this and that!) and then we go into this whole cycle of "i/you should have..." "i/you could have..." "if only i/you..." (cue to previous post on regrets)...then in that very midst of thinking/believing that we had everything under control, we just lose it.

we break down in depression and lash out in anger. isolate ourselves in misery...all in all, pretty much taking the time to process everything that had happened. for some, they don't even process it. merely chucking this whole situation under the carpet as if nothing happened. (well, doing this in no time, you're going to see a landfill.)

so what's the big deal? if something happens, then happens. move on. 

hmmm. not quite, really. 

why?

when there's no realisation of the situation, there's no understanding hence no integration and eventually, the very same mistake will be made again and again and (again) until one decides to take control and dissect the situation. in a way, we're nipping "losing control" in the bud by ensuring that we look at the situation for what it was and learn, learn, learn. 

and by the way, this has nothing to do with age. a person can be 100 years old and still stuck (in fact, he/she will be even more stuck because ah, check out the landfill that has been accumulating for decades.)

...

so what is control, really? 

well again, this is a subjective question which of course calls for a subjective answer because everyone experiences differently. however in my opinion, control (to me) is in the knowing (hence i said control and ignorance are dance partners) - for instance, it's late at night after a concert and you're on your way home. you know that your usual route home includes a walk through a dark alley. there's another route home but it's a longer one. however, it's safer. now, ignorance would push one to just take the usual route even though it's late at night but now, it is within your control to manifest that decision or not. 

...

❝if you had known your time of death, would you still be doing everything you are doing now? ❞

shower thoughts. i enjoy shower thoughts. there's always this sense of washing away of all the grime to reveal the diamond in the rough. the sparkly diamond 💎✨

some random thought came through. i was pondering about my thoughts on past, present and future. and also about how (mostly) humans are stuck in the past, miss out on the present and regret in the future. and also how we should all be present and not linger in the past and don't worry so much about the future. but i can't help but to just run this whole thing through at the speed of a sloth. 

not going to lie but i used to (and still do) pay more attention to the present and that's fine. i mean, it's important so that i immerse myself fully to the present. it's a choice, right?

however, i find myself recollecting my pasts especially how everything happened and how i ended up where i am (was) then. all the things i had gone through - the friendships i had forged and lost, the relationships that was made and broken, the activities i had participated in, the events that occurred, the people that i had met, kept in touch and lost touch...and all the stuffs i had studied, read, exposed myself to...it's actually quite impressive, to be honest.

the web of intricacy that connects everyone and everything...and kinda form this "universe" is simply and profoundly profound. the amazing thing is that each strand is layered above one another or weave side by side. there is no crosses or knots. it is just close enough but never truly touching one another. 

so to put this into imagination - it is like seeing the love of your life but never being able to get close enough to see or feel what they see or feel. i used to say, "no one will truly see the red that i see. so, even though we could be talking about red, it will be the impression of the red of the other but never mine. we can only assume that we are seeing the same thing in the same shade, in the same way. but that will only be an assumption and never a certainty."

...

i'm really not into small talks because they just fill up the space between us. but it's like filling up the space with styrofoam balls or fillers used for bean bags. 

so sometimes in the silence, i can just look at You and admire Your beauty and uniqueness. 

but that's creepy or weird to others though. shifty, like they would just feel so uncomfortable and weirded out. hence, i love to look at You because with Your equanimous gaze, You just allow me to take everything in. i LOVE that. 

moreover, You accept me for who i am. You don't try to change me or tell me i need to be this or that. i mean, why can't acceptance be accepted? it is only when we accept acceptance, that's when we grow and change. just like our past. we must accept everything that had happened, be it pleasant or unpleasant, sad or happy or even, neutral...accepting that many things never did go our way and accept those things that did go our way but still failed eventually. accepting our feelings, emotions and sensations of the past but to accept that those feelings, emotions and sensations of the past have long passed. hence, forgive where we need to. loosen our grip where we need to. untie the knot where we need to. 

so looking at the pasts is not a bad thing but each time we look back, we release more and more. those times have come and gone. it was an experience worth noticing, learning, understanding and accepting. because if the pasts are not accepted willingly and even lovingly, being in the present isn't quite the same as willingly and lovingly releasing the pasts. and i mean, the future is going to be burdened and coloured by the pasts which is the present now, isn't it? 

...

okay, let me paint this - we all know picking an avocado that is ripe inside out is such a pain in the a$$. more often than not, the avo is either so gorgeously ripe on the outside but when you cut it, the inside is raw to the heavens. then, because of this experience (and multiple experiences of picking avos but still fail), a part of us just want to give up on buying avocadoes altogether. and the fact that we keep rehashing the failed experience of "ripe outside, unripe inside"...we just keep having this "this avo in my hand will also be this way." 

in many ways, we can keep carrying this past notion of "ripe outside, unripe inside" and eventually when carried to full term, we start to tell people how much we hate avocadoes because of most of the time, the avos turn out "ripe outside, unripe inside". 

...

shower thoughts. they come and flow just like the water that flows from the shower head. it doesn't make coherent sense and it doesn't have a specific shape. it just is.

Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha

...

my kindred spirit soul sister neighbour is moving away. 

such is life. i wish her all the best but i can't help but to miss her presence already. our connection through Buddhism and Hinduism brought us a special sisterhood connection that i am profoundly grateful for. 

we bonded over soya bean milk, vegan food, spiritual chats...just girly stuffs. and i know i am going to miss that because it's not everyday that we get to meet a spiritual friend that we can connect with. for this, i am utterly grateful. 

and i remember when i first met her, she has this huge Lord Ganesh/Ganapati poster in her house living room. at that time, i remember my dear teacher was talking about Lord Ganapati briefly in one of his classes. somehow, i just felt like i have a friend for life. 

and friend for life, indeed. i know she won't be reading this post but hey, i am glad we reconnected, somehow. wherever life takes you and me, i know our sisterhood will prevail 🫶🏿 

❝ kindred spirits are windows to the soul. ❞~ d.a. hickman 

so, the man requested for a cuppa made by me (yes, i make good coffee😏) and off i went to make some kick ass coffee. 

under 10 minutes the coffee was done and served. the man enjoyed his brew and off i went to clean up. i was somewhat done with my cleaning when my mum in law noticed some liquid egg white spillage in the chiller section of the fridge. 

yikes. 

off to clean up the mess and some encouragement to keep enthusiastic mum away from the kitchen (yes, i had to keep her away because she is still recovering from a recent fall accident and the last thing is to have her slip and fall again in the kitchen.) so yes, kept her out of the kitchen while i handled the mass mess. 

soaked up the spillage with some absorbent cloth, wipe down with soap and clean water, mop up the floor...took me another half an hour or so. 

as i was trying to dry the items, saw a little 🕷️ nestling on the cloth that was covering the bowls. i swear we were having a stare down because i didn't want him to run off. so, went to find our "house bug catcher" container to try to fish him off the cloth. finally, managed to get him and set him free. this took another 15 minutes trying. 

...

great! all's done in...coming close to an hour! ONE HOUR!!

🎭

wasn't i supposed to be just making coffee?? well, that probably wasn't the plan!

...

the good ol' uncertainty and unexpected-ness that love crashing into life parties as how it crashed into mine just now. i could have gotten really pissed and blamed everything but nah, chill 🤙

it was a great opportunity to do some stock checking and clearing, cleaning up the space and now the area is fresh. sometimes, it's just about framing the mind isn't it? since everything is dependent originated, then why not just flow with and in it? i mean, whatever that happened had to happen so that whatever that is going to happen next can happen. so, just flow.

and flowed. we all flowed. eventually everything is cleaned up and mass mess is cleared. we laughed over the whole episode and we also learn more about packaging seals and how to store them better. 

honestly, it was quite a hassle but that's because it came upon unexpectedly. but since we knew what must be done, then just be present and do it. 

and it's done 🙃

the only thing?

i smell like egg whites now but my hands are super supple and moisturised.

😂

familiarity breeds contempt.

i'm so glad to have found the article again and this time, i even have the actual teaching video from Master Da An! 🥳

anyways, the phrase '一心不乱' is one of the lines in the Sukhāvatīvyūha Sūtra in chinese edition written by Master Kumārajīva and i have always found this phrase to be astoundingly profound. i couldn't lay a finger on it but it just felt extremely deep to me just like a bottomless pit of knowledge, of sorts. 

lo and behold a few years later and now here i am again, this phrase reappears. i remember that few years back i did ask my then teacher to explain this phrase to me, he had directed me to this article. 

before i pull out the section which describes what i had shared in my previous post, i would like to state that whatever opinions and views put through here are purely mine and by no means it resonates as a fact or to be taken as the Truth. the descriptive formulation is purely based on what i know so far and how i see and apply it into my own life. i'm up for agree to disagree but anything else beyond that is definitely uncalled for. ultimately what's the most crucial? you must make it out of here so that you bring others to liberation as well. no point in fighting over what's wrong and right, eventually losing precious opportunities for emancipation.

...

here's the excerpt that caught my eye many years ago and i have to say this, the entire article is not too lengthy but packed with tons of profound information and knowledge. however, i have picked out this part without neglecting the other parts of the article. thus, to fully appreciate the entire article, please read it in its entirety. 

here we go: 智者大师，这样一个天台宗的祖师，号称后释迦。临终的时候，问他修行的品位，他说自己如果不领众就一定会得六根清净位，领众太早，损己利人，但登五品。这是智者大师临终示位。

just a brief translation: Master Zhizhe, also addressed as Shakyamuni Buddha was one of the patriarchs of the Tiantai sect. when he was approaching his end of his lifespan, he was asked about the quality of his cultivation in this life. he responded that if he hadn't spent time leading the multitude, he would have achieved the complete and perfect purifications of the six roots. however, the opportunity to lead others presented itself first hence for the benefit of others, i took up leading others but neglected my own although i still managed to accomplish the five preliminary levels of a disciple. this was Master Zhizhe's stance before his passing.

...

coming back to the crux of the title: '一心不乱' - the direct translation is 'one heart not messy' as mentioned in the previous post. but what does that mean exactly? there are so many articles, teachings and takes on this phrase but again and again, the definition must resonate with oneself in order for it to work. we can meditate on all the definitions given/shared by others but if it doesn't resonate, there's no way of applying the greatness of this particular teaching into our lives. so ultimately, it has to mean something to and work for us. however the core guidance has to come from the three jewels, that's for sure. see it as...drinking water. the source of the water has to be the very least clean and potable in order for us to be able to consume the fluid. i see teachings as something similar to this analogy. 

to be of one heart (or in another words, one mind) with the Buddha, there will be no messiness (in another words, no confusion). thus, 事一心不乱；理一心不乱: 事 means thing or matter while the common combination is 做事, essentially meaning to do things. therefore i resonate '事一心不乱' to mean to act in alignment with the Buddha and there is no confusion while '理一心不乱' where '理' means intrinsic or reason such as '理由/道理' 。so, i see this phrase as cultivate inner alignment with the Buddha and there's no confusion. 

on the other hand, '事理' means reason/logic while ‘理事’ means to take care of matters. if we are to act and cultivate alignment with the Buddha, there is no room for confusion especially through means of reason/logic (in accordance to the dharma) and that, each matter that surfaces, we deal with them one by one. 

sadness? take care of it, inner and outer. happiness? take care of it, inner and outer. neutral? take care of it, inner and outer. it's the moment to moment alignment with the Buddha and that will only bring clarity. that's my take on it so far, it might change as i continue to learn...till then, it's working. 

...

Keep Resigning, that's what She said! 👑

was having a chat with a precious being and we came to an old chinese article (i can't seem to find this article anymore on the web) ((FOUND IT! ⬆️)) but it was about a venerable teacher of the dharma in the chinese mahayana sect who spent most of his life doing great things such as building temples, gathering much followers and even ordaining monastics into his school. ironically, when close to his final years, he sighed and said, "i spent much of my time in this life doing great mundane work. however, i did not spend enough time reciting the Buddha's name and hence, i could not reach the level that i could have reached. if i had taken this route instead, would i have already become enlightened? what a waste."

what a waste, indeed. 

our conversation landed on that: regret (regardless what status one holds in this life as a human being, why is there always regret?)

and She said, "in this life, isn't it a precious and rare opportunity for one to be a full renunciant? the path forward is clear and lit - enlightenment. but many, so many...busy themselves with retrogression." 

i looked at Her and felt a wave of sadness and also sympathy. it was indeed a rare opportunity to be able to head straight for enlightenment when the path is clear (and by clear, i mean that's the only path forward.)

then She said, "you just keep going. it's tough but you are tougher. you know what retrogression feels like. you know what suffering looks like. you know what is pain, trauma, regret, joy, peace...all these feels like. but they aren't perfected yet and you know it. but despite all that you are facing, you got to keep going. you've got to make it Home. understood?" 

i nodded my head and took a deep breath. it wasn't a breath of uncertainty but rather a breath of courage that She was exuding. She lifted my chin and whispered, "I will guide you but you must keep resigning." i nodded my head again, knowing She is He and He is They. One in All, All in One.

Keep Resigning.

...or in another words, the fourth industrial revolution. 

amidst all the technical information there, something caught my eye. 

the imagination age. 

okay, so these topics are huge on their own but i'd like to pull out one part to talk about here (since that was the probably the one that sparked a couple of thoughts and interest!)

...

so with the huge infinite library encyclopedia repositories of information available in the world wide web, on a daily basis...i watch people getting drown in it. 

apologies for the grim description there but in the physical sense, there seemed to be no way out for the users to extricate themselves from the oceans of information. 

the thirst, craving and desire to want more, to know more, to indulge, to have their fill, to satiate...themselves with the throngs of information out there offered via various channels through the portable handheld device, each channel scratching different parts of humans. once that itch has been scratched, move on to another itch. move on to another part where there may not be an itch but since the scratch is available, why not? 

...and there's no stopping. at meal times, in the bathroom, while studying, in school, at work, during meetings, while exercising, while cooking, on the bed, while chatting, while praying...i find myself watching them and thinking about this actual age that we are living in, instead.

i couldn't help but this thought came to mind: would the mind become more muddled and delusional because right now, in this physical world that we are living in...we are no longer just battling with the poisons of the physical reality but we are also fighting with the poisons in the virtual and augmented realities as well. 

because one thing is for sure, anger is like striking a matchstick nowadays. easily, anything on the news, articles, social media channels, comments (oh, especially the comment section), spark the fuel which spread like wild fire. we are the fuel.

...

hence, drowning. and more drowning. 

i can't help but to think of Buddha pointing to the moon (and well, Buddha pointing fearlessly to Paradise too.)

...

closing thought: is it more difficult (perhaps, more disturbances) to the mind when physical death hits, now? as much as this old article states that technology doesn't kill Buddhism but people do...just reinforces dependent origination even more. i get it that technology is great but to what extent? commercially because it rakes in the money from the users? how about the non-commercial users like you and me? 

this topic is endless and it is a culture in the making. the only constant is change and we as humans have the ability to adapt. but what gives? something has got to give, isn't it?

...

on hindsight, should every mundane activity be carried out with the three jewels as the foremost guide, there will be clarity. 

okay. beauty standards. who sets the bar here, please? the only worthy being to set this "bar" is none other than the enlightened ones. 

and their "bar" is the three giant jewels. keep that close to our hearts and you are the most beautiful. 

standards met 🥳

taking a two weeks break from usual work to hang out with the girlies. going to do girly stuffs like... 🤫 not telling! secret secret! 🤭 i need me some girl time, long overdue!! and if you're lucky, you might be able to catch some itsy bitsy live action here~🙃 you can also access the same link from the menu ^^

i enjoy checking in from time to time to see what works and what doesn't. so, i have decided to archive my previous posts and just settle on monthly writings about anything. 

and this consolidation is necessary to streamline my thoughts and everything that comes with it so, just a spot to offload (without the need to keep up with the appearances) - and that is wonderful. 

august had been an eventful month. felt like i was on a roller coaster but it was also a month where i felt as if i was a pendulum too, literally swinging from one end to the other.

august: i gained a precious connection to a Grandmaster teacher and also lost someone dear to me. it's fascinating because it's like one door closes and the other opens. 

that's how life works here, i guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

...

anyway september. we have already crossed the half year mark and going into the tail end of 2024 soon and all i can think of is Aju💛, His Home, His Being...honestly, everything related to Him (and You, of course...how can i ever miss You out? 🤭) 

Gahhhh Ajuuuuuuu!!😘