i remember as a little girl, i liked sitting in front of the mirror and talking to it (well, other than my pet turtles and leeches of course). i would tell her about my day in school, how i hated school and not understanding why i had to follow some nonsensical system where even the teachers could not explain why. like i had mentioned before, learning was fun but the entire system was not. but what to do when you are a kid and there was no choice but to adhere and follow anyways lest getting punished (by the adults in my life).

so, i grew up...eventually. still hated school and i am just thankful that i'm so done with school. but one thought never quite left me and that is, "what is happiness?" 

there were moments of happiness growing up but it's fleeting. one moment there's treats for me and next moment when i did something that the adults did not like, they took the treats that i had received from them earlier on, away. so, it was often confusing and i never understood why. 

other than growing up with my awesome grandma, life growing up was...to say the least...alone, despite having many people in my life. but that environment contributed to who i am today so i am always grateful because, the spiritual path is alone. you have to be alone. it is necessary for growth and progression so i am grateful to have been put into such situation since young.

and quite frankly, happiness is still dualistic...to me. for happiness, there is unhappiness, isn't it? so do i want to be happy and wish happiness for others? i'm on the fence (but that's just me, i guess.) 🤷🏻‍♀️

so what do i wish for all mother sentient beings then? 

i wish for all mother sentient beings to realise phenomena. to realise dualities. to realise awareness. to realise that for happiness to come about, you've got to experience the unhappiness (and how much as humans we simply love to label everything.) 

i wish people knew how much they influenced and affect each other so everyone could actually check themselves before putting anything on the other person or people, regardless of their status or position in life or in the communities. 

but there's ignorance. there's always ignorance. 

and behind that smile or laugh, there is always something deeper. something more real. more true. what are we actually afraid of? facing them or being judged and criticised? 

at the end of the day, i just want to say that we are all work in progress. as long as we are working on ourselves so that we can work for the benefit of others...then we are genuinely working. if we can't even face our own dualities and our own maras, then how are we ever going to be able to work for the liberation of others? 

in a world full of flesh masks, who are the buddhas and bodhisattvas when stripped bare they are more than just bones? can we even tell?

...

humans create policies, humans can also break policies. same goes with concepts and systems. it takes a disintegration within to disintegrate the surroundings...now the question is, are you ready for it?

recently, i had been thinking about the renunciation and the three jewels...and what all these meant to me. spirituality is very personal and subjective, in my opinion and no two humans can ever experience everything exactly the same (although that would be pretty cool but it's just not possible). so, everyone's spiritual paths and journeys are unique and it is important to acknowledge where everyone is at, in their own journeys based on their own experiences.

honestly, no one is better or worst - you are just where you need to be. some of us, there are certain karmas that we need to clear so we must do that. some of us have cleared much karmas in our past lives so in this life, we are generally less karma-laden. some of us are just lost. some of us thread the spiritual path with human-bounded expectations. hence, when things don't go our way, we lose faith and give up. 

that in itself, is also part of the path.

some of us go the long and winding route before coming back around. some of us procrastinate to start (the first step is always the hardest, isn't it?) some of us, dream and wish...but do not take action as yet.

we are all on our paths towards the end game. thing is, do we realise that? are we aware? 

...

a few people have been asking me recently why not find a local Buddhist teacher and join the community here instead?

my answer to them was that my spiritual path just didn't go down that way. i mean, spirituality is not convenience. my teacher could very well be an eskimo living in Antarctica but if he/she is the one that i need to be connected to, so be it (that sounds pretty cool!)

then comes the next question - wouldn't you have to stay up late? 

quoting from my post from the other side - what have i got to lose? maybe my sleep but i'd rather hang out. 

it's the night, it's quiet and while everyone is asleep...it's just nice to hang out. everything becomes quite clear, like crystal quartz clear. the air is clear. the skies are clear. and hanging out and listening to some music...it's nice. 

it feels like soaking in a long bath with my divine lover. i love it. 

so yea, what have i got to lose?

...

okay, not going to deny this but one of the greatest clinging (in my opinion based on the many conversations i had with humans of various ages and also my sentient being watching moments...) is, accepting and embracing a break down. 

this is not failure but break down in the sense that - when the usual doesn't work anymore and a shift or adjustment or basically, a change...a rejuvenation of sorts is needed. 

but this. this is one of the hardest things to do even though change is the only constant in the impermanent world that we live in. 

for instance, how many times have we heard about how couples getting divorced after 50 years of marriage and the focus is (often first and foremost) 50 years! or how about...an organisation that has been around for 50 years and it has eventually come to a time where it had to shut its door. once again, the news headline tend to go, "organisation shuts its doors after 50 years in the market..."

and i also remember how the older generations tend to insist on the younger generation to follow and adhere to the customs and traditions (which many of them becoming old wives' tales)...personally, i'd tend to ask why, not because of evidence or proof that it works but rather, i'd like to know (and at least understand) the compassionate intention behind every action taken. i think this is crucial because an action taken with a focused, strong, direct and compassion-driven intention would derive the very same result as well.

and then i got scolded for asking. 

okay...🫠

"just follow and stop asking so much!!" 

"okay...but why? why do you do it? why do you follow?"

"because everyone in the family follows so you should too!"

"...so, how has following helped you?"

"i don't know. i think it helps. somehow. but just follow."

"would you be pissed if i don't?"

"can you stop being so difficult and just follow?"

...and this being also fears many things: not having enough, physical death, illnesses, fights, arguments, disagreements...the list goes on. 

so...what's the point? 

...

sometimes i just want to hug people so they understand.🫂

...

personal experience: there are times in life where the complete shattering of everything is needed in order to rebuild into strength, relevance and clarity. it is in the breaking down, the breaking apart that a person truly sees, feels and admires the impermanence and hollowness of everything.

and, it's actually beautiful.

there's beauty in the break down.

❝ he is a man of focus, commitment and sheer fucking will...❞      ~ john wick

...

i once knew someone who took many things to the extreme even though this person does not think so. and this person instils much discipline (in this person's own context) and well, calls oneself a "perfectionist" (again, in this person's own context). 

interesting, isn't it? 

when all you see is just that light, it's easy to believe and think that that's the only whole world. 

until you meet someone...

then again, you insist. you insist that this someone is wrong and you are right. in fact, you even insist that "this world" you had always known is the "right world" and other worlds are wrong.

our worlds are always right and others worlds' are always wrong - the hamster wheel keeps spinning and spinning. we keep running and running. then we keep chasing and chasing. 

and this very person is known to be one of the leaders of preaching the teachings and yet with coming to three decades of practice, this being is still angry at criticisms, annoyed when practitioners who decide to expand their learning...

interesting, isn't it?

and this person hides, fearful of judgement and contention.

...

above, is as similar to grit and will. but the painful and sufferable aspect. 

honestly, i prefer learning this way. every thing becomes crystal clear.

the worst kind of abuse are the ones that can't be seen. it's there but obscured, by years and years of layers after layers of "i'm okay" and "this is fine".  it's the kind where you only know that they are there when you run your fingers over them. 

i call them - invisible scars.

and each tell a story. 

...

i never liked downplaying. that's one of the main reasons why people take their own lives. "be positive!"; "you'll get better in time!"; "it has already happened and you can't do anything about it anymore so why keep thinking about it?"; "focus on other things in life that brings you joy!"; "move on!" - well, all true and seemingly very motivational...but it does nothing to heal. to overcome. to accept. most importantly, to forgive. at least, yourself. 

yes, nothing. 

it's just shoving, under the carpet. out of sight, out of mind. and it will always be there until we look at them squarely and in the face. until we decide to face them all and go naked in all our glory...i think that's probably when we can finally rest in peace. 

until then, it's hard (and heart) work every single day. the daily grind to face yourself is probably (and most definitely) the hardest thing to do (i daresay) for every single human being. 

...

it's the breaking down of everything that you have ever known. it's the unlearning the learning that you had done because you soon realise that the world didn't quite work out (or look like) the way the books said or the way the predecessors lived their lives. 

and we as humans are so uncomfortable with discomfort and we are constantly looking outside for remedies, for cures, for affection, for appreciation, for support, for approval...when everything out there is impermanent, unstable and fleeting.

but the hamster wheel keeps running. we know that nothing out there truly brings peace, satisfaction and contentment and yet, we just keep looping ourselves in the cycle. running and running and running. chasing and chasing and chasing...until one day, we lose ourselves in that spinning wheel. 

...

i look at any mother sentient beings and see nothing but pain. regardless of what roles you play and what names you have, i see permanent suffering and temporary relief. 

so i look at the buddha every day. He's the only one who reflects perfected bliss, peace, serenity, joy...and everything glorious. there isn't an ounce of suffering or pain or temporary relief.

He is the relief. permanent relief.

...

counting my days knowing that each day is a day closer to being Home. and being Home means closer to emancipation which means closer to the day where i can actually administer permanent relief to all who suffer.

july is a special month - for me. it has always felt like an actual middle part of the year rather than june so july is like cutting the cake into half and enjoy the other half for the next part of the year. 

and also, it's also a time when i sorta reflect on the past half year and how it's been and well, trying to recall every july that had passed since the time i began to have awareness and being able to remember. 

and i also looked at what has changed and what had not, what has stayed pretty much the same. feelings. thoughts. people. places. anything, really.

so, taking myself down the memory lane:

july 2020: singapore general election (10th july)

july 2021: attended a women's circle (1st july)

july 2022: 42nd day since mom passed (7th july)

july 2023: lama chöpa tsog and medicine buddha puja (8th, 9th & 27th july)

july 2024: attending a nutrition workshop (20th july)

but there's one thing that i seemed to do every year in july:

a haircut - 11th july 2020; 15th july 2022; 31st july 2023 

...

anyways,  july is like a month where i trim off rough edges and smoothing everything out. a period to let things that do not work fall apart and rebuild itself again - stronger. it's like rehealing. 

and i think about grandma, godma and mom today. the beautiful, courageous and strong women in my life. i also remember their qualities, their tenderness, their masculinity and femininity and definitely their craziness too. they are all just being human. being a female. being a woman. a girl. trying to navigate through life as a human being. just trying to live.

and to the one who taught exploration - dad. i can see that he is trying his very best too. to live. 

i honour them. all of them. 

the pissers and losers. the breakers and makers. the poopers and the loners (especially the loners). the ones who can't fit in despite trying. i honour you and i feel you. 

...

ps. i am not going to cut my hair this year.

pps. i am probably going to go have a slice of cake and a cup of bubble tea/coffee. these two can send one straight to heaven of desserts where the gods of cupcakes will fan you with strawberries.

ppps. Aju will be with me.

pppps. and if you are thinking that heaven of desserts is a place for the hungry and the gluttons, it's not. it's a place only available for everyone to visit only once a year. so...no appointment needed. 

ppppps. pick your poison once there.

pppppps. just be and enjoy! 🕯

❝it was our belief that the love of possessions is a weakness to be overcome. . . children must early learn the beauty of generosity. they are taught to give what they prize most, that they may taste the happiness of giving. . . .the Indians in their simplicity literally give away all that they have—to relatives, to guests of other tribes or clans, but above all to the poor and the aged, from whom they can hope for no return.❞ 

~ charles alexander eastman (ohiyesa)

...

❝some day the earth will weep, She will beg for her life, She will cry with tears of blood. you will make a choice, if you will help Her or let Her die, and when She dies, you too will die.❞ 

~  john hollow horn (oglala lakota)