❝walked in expecting you'd be late but you got here early and you stand and wave, i walk to you. you pull my chair out and help me in and you don't know how nice that is but I do.❞

~ estella; rinse & repeat

easy to fall in love.

the journey towards love is profound.

once tasted, one wants this taste to last.

taste it again, it becomes conditioned.

third time tasting, it becomes familiar.

then it goes into automatic.

until the love dissolves.

then the whole process starts again.

with another, until enough samples are collected.

then, one tries to make an old new.

self-importance drives automation.

out of convenience.

out of time.

out of touch.

impermanence.

old age.

regret.

death.

~ estella; 

❝heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. ❞ ~ the mourning bride (1697); william congreve 

i am grateful to be brought up by my grandmother whom i spent 24 years of my life with before she passed on in her sleep. she was the cutest, the most up to date elderly that i have ever known.

honestly, she was beyond her time. the way she thought and they way she conducted herself was nothing short of respect. 

and i love her to bits, even until today.

i never got a chance to meet my maternal grandfather but i saw and spent a few years of my life with my maternal grandmother. 

she was the meaning of compassion. i remember she would always give me a piece of biscuit to comfort me. and my mom used to tell me that her elderly mother would always give free food to the unfortunate (despite herself being poor, yet she had always given freely). 

paternal grandmother was the cute one. she was also the embodiment of kindness. there was always hot food on the table whenever i got home from school. sometimes, we would enjoy ice cream together (yes! my grandma eats ice cream!) and she would allow me to feed the stray dog some food whenever i walked home from school. 

and i actually hung out with the elderlies when i was younger just because grandma hung out with them. they were a bunch of elderly women who sat and chatted.

once again, i would just look at them and listened...and i just listen. i watched them and i just listened. i feel them but i just listen. i would just sit there and listen. 

it was wisdom talk. they spoke about everything under the sun and how they solve problems. it was educational and i really enjoyed hanging out with them more than hanging out with people my age. 

and i was more than happy. 

...

each moment we are aging. and in this very present moment, we are doing whatever that we are doing. be it in thoughts or work or watching tv or sleeping...and this very moment could very well be our last. 

and when the end comes, how are we? what are we thinking of? what are we feeling? where are we going to go next? 

holding on or letting go? doubting or trusting? loving or hating? leaving or staying?

once again i'm saying - growing old is indeed a luxury and in every single moment that is passing by, i cherish you and you cherish me, we appreciate each other's presence and time...wouldn't everything be brighter and more beautiful? perhaps also more blissful too?

~ estella; i'm getting old you're getting old we are all growing older now

 ... and each role that we play comes with expectations. and the expectations form a framework; a concept of how we should be. an identity.

being human. imagine being a father/mother, son/daughter, friend, partner, teacher, doctor, beggar, failure, rich person, poor person, robber, thief, rapist, activist, writer, dancer, fighter, lover...

with all the roles that we play, we often forget the most basic - being human. 

and quite often, i get spiritual teachers asking, "who are you? what is this 'you'? where can you find this 'you'? who is this 'you' that you call 'you'?" and honestly, i would really like to ask the very same people who post this question if i ever do get a chance to do so. 

it's such a rhetorical question, frankly.

experiences make or break a human being. we are our experiences as long as we resonate with them. so, if we resonate with being called a failure, then we will always believe that we are a failure and whatever we do will always fail. that's for sure. suffering? making peace with it? dependent origination? what do we really want out from all this? 

projection. mirror. reflection.

...

i remember growing up, i used to daydream a lot. and this made the adults in my life really uncomfortable because i was not doing what i should be doing. i was not this and that. i loved learning but i hated school. i still hate school and i have come to accept that i don't have to like it. i was lacking. i was a failure. my academic sucked. teachers found me to be troublesome because i was a slow learner and didn't understand most of the things taught in school. and when i decided to clarify by asking, the school teacher would repeat what he/she had said (see the irony there? i said that i didn't understand and not i didn't hear 🤷🏻‍♀️) and when i repeated that i didn't understand, the blame and fault is on me for not understanding or sometimes even, not putting in enough effort to understand. 

so i grew up somewhat hating adults. i resented them. i watched them trying to fix problems but not solving them. for example, if they were angry at me for not doing something, they would often take the passive-aggressive approach by not talking to me and ignoring me even when i tried talking to them. it was their way of using punishment mechanism towards me for wanting to make me realise my mistakes. this often caused me so much fear because i never knew when the timebomb would go off and if there was a trap, like a landmine, that i would step on to and my limbs would get blown apart. 

it was hard to trust humans. it was because imagine, the very people who behaved and treated you this way were your very own family members...how on earth is trust going to be extended to others who are not blood related? there was absolutely no way out. it was painful. 

and despite being sad to say, it is still happening now because old habits die hard. real hard. 

but pain is part of life. for if without pain, how can there be joy? 

❝if you don't cry wholeheartedly, how will you laugh wholeheartedly? ❞ ~ Dr Jehangir Khan (Jug)

i remember too - i once told someone dear to me that i loved him and that he would always hold a special place in my heart because he was an anchor of my life growing up. frankly, i was grateful and always will.

but unfortunately, it didn't turn out well and i think i scared the living crap out of him. however, i found peace, closure and wished him well. we never spoke again.

and love (to me) has so many different faces. it is not just romantic love or friendship love or sibling love...but love, just as it is. with all its glorious pain and acceptance of imperfections.

but it definitely takes two to clap, to dance, to move in time with each other. and this is hard and heart work. but going at it every moment and every day, practicing this - is compassion. 

i choose to witness this love as supportive, freeing, accepting, all embracing, forgiving, trusting, faithful, loyal, courageous, strong, all encompassing and most importantly, allowing life to flow (and unfold) at its own pace, in its own time. 

...

ahhhh, my RG. i couldn't have experience life without You. Your all-encompassing love is the greatest, most divine. You have taught me so much and are still teaching me - which i am utterly thankful and like i said, i love learning just not the school. 

hello life, it is. because life is RG. life is You and me. life is love. life is acceptance. life is letting You know that i care and i always will. life is faith. life is aspiration. life is practice. life is, none other than living with You and in You, always. 

i love You. 💞

~ estella; "what is faith?"

❝and You'll say - don't You worry your pretty little mind people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard. the stakes are high, the water's rough and they can't take what's ours because this love is Ours.❞

Homage to the Buddha Akshobhya of Eastern Pure Land of Abhirati,

at your precious lotus feet, i pray

You appear with suchness

as blue as the skies as the oceans' waters

holding the strength while giving courage

You bring joy to all that You encourage

touch me with Your perfect hands

if You can

lighting up the night with Your bluish hue

with all other Buddhas and Bodhisattvas behind You

You remain where You are without a doubt

please accept my honour to You with all my heart

time with You never seemed to end

that is the currency i am willing to spend

may Your stability always mend

all the broken hearts and sufferings to end

at Your lotus feet i humbly pray

my head touches Your feet

if You may

please always guide us ignorant ones with Your steady perfect hands

to You i bow once again - may You bring all sentient beings' sufferings to an end!

~ estella; 

honouring You:

अक्षोभ्य Akṣobhya 阿閦佛 མི་བསྐྱོད་པ་

 🙏🏻 oṃ akṣobhya hūṃ 🙏🏻

...use actions instead.

misogynist.

what's the point? didn't you exit from your mother's vagina too? 

~ estella; this is what happens when the poisons take over

to me, great Teachers have the ability to do that. 

great Teachers inspire faith, inspire aspiration, inspire practice within us.

They inspire the welcoming of changes - inside and outside.

They inspire understanding of the workings of reality and also the other.

They inspire courage through sharing of their experiences of vulnerability.

They inspire themselves constantly and teach us sentient beings that change is indeed constant in the world.

They inspire demonstration through their actions, words, thoughts and feelings. 

They inspire living harmoniously and within our means.

They inspire skillful ways to break down the poisons of the mundane.

They inspire through consistency in their actions - how to align through their body, speech and mind.

They inspire openness, genuineness and honesty - towards yourself and others.

They inspire through their prayers and practices, conducting them with utmost sincerity and honesty.

They inspire the path ahead and hold the light to illuminate the darkness.

They inspire the surroundings through pervading the the essence of the three jewels everywhere.

They inspire the integration of the vehicles and that, one cannot do without the other.

They inspire everyone They meet through Their voice and language that They speak, literally and metaphorically.

They inspire motivation to keep going in the face of challenges and difficulties.

They inspire transcendental wisdom and how to use it wisely.

They inspire taking action to reform and rehabilitate.

but most importantly, They unlock the inspiration within us to inspire ourselves and others. They teach you to teach yourself and in turn, teach others. for that, i bow in reverence to all the Buddha-Teachers of the past, present and future of the three vehicles. may You continue to guide the ignorant and desire-laden us sentient beings towards liberation 🙏

~ estella; humbly prostrating and touching my head to Your blessed lotus feet, praying for Your constant guidance, love, comfort and assurance in this age and time. You are all that i need.

✨🪷💎💎💎🪷✨

❝ a functioning human body is like a car that can still take the beating of the humps and bumps along the highway. but once in a while, you need to give the overheated car a break and fill it up with clean petrol so that it doesn't clog up the engine. seek refuge in the three jewels is like the free parking slot. as you progress into the practice, you began to upgrade your vehicle until you decide to live near your destination for good. ❞

~ estella; ☝️ came to mind

hey, slow it down

whataya want from me?

whataya want from me?

yeah, i'm afraid

whataya want from me?

whataya want from me?

there might've been a time when i would give myself away

oh, once upon a time, i didn't give a damn

but now, here we are

so whataya want from me?

whataya want from me?

just don't give up

i am workin' it out

please don't give in

i won't let you down

it messed me up

need a second to breathe

just keep coming around

hey, whataya want from me?

whataya want from me?

hataya want from me?

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yeah (yeah), it's plain to see (it's plain to see)

that baby, you're beautiful

and there's nothing wrong with you (nothing wrong with you)

it's me, i'm a freak (yeah)

but thanks for loving me

'cause you're doing it perfectly (perfectly)

yeah, there might've been a time when i would let you slip away

i wouldn't even try, but i think you could save my life

just don't give up on me (oh, oh)

i won't let you down

no, i won't let you down

so just don't give up

i am workin' it out

please don't give in

i won't let you down

it messed me up (it messed me up)

need a second to breathe

just keep coming around (hey)

whataya want from me?

~ estella; three jewels

i remember entering into a heated debate with some people that i used to know over this: a mother's love is unconditional. 

simply because i do not necessarily agree with that notion completely and quite frankly, i do not appreciate generalisation. one rotten apple does not equate to a bad tree. 

i do welcome conversations where we are free to share our beliefs and lay it down as that. there is honestly, no real need to coerce or force others to take on your personal beliefs and follow them. i mean, we already experience life rather differently and what worked for you may not necessarily work for others. 

agree to disagree (and yes, you are more than welcome to disagree) but there is no harm and in fact, beneficial to listen to what others have to share. i think that's crucial. it is important to learn from the mistakes of others so that we don't have to - i mean, life is indeed short and we can't make all the mistakes in the world to learn from each and every single one, isn't it? 

...

back to unconditional, so yes, i don't necessarily agree that "a mother's love is unconditional" because how many mothers can look at their children and truly live by this: you do not owe me anything. how many mothers want to be appreciated for their efforts in bringing up their children through celebrations like mother's day or even the lunar new year where children are expected to give monetary gifts and all the well-wishes of good health, longevity etc? and before the event, they would say "it's all right if we don't celebrate because what matters is not just that one day but the rest of the 364 days." and should the "special" day passed without celebration, they would remember it in their minds and hearts for when the trigger comes one day, there it is. the unleash of resentment for this past that was not perform to their liking and that we as children are being ungrateful imps. 

so...still unconditional?

i just find that such actions have lost its essence and genuine meaning as to why some of these traditions/customs are still carried out, just because. and any opposite forces contending with what has been practiced all along, it shakes the ground causing discomfort and fear of nothing to hold on to and perhaps even, nothing to live for. 

see the the poisons there? it is so subtle. and also the dualistic extremes , which is also extremely subtle. 

...

to recount an incident that i had with my mother when she was in her final weeks, she had called me unfilial and that, i must 饮水思源 just because i hadn't called or visited her for coming to a year. she was angry, resentful and carried that thought of "i don't have much time left and i'm going to die but yet you don't care!"

on my end, i was basically going through (i daresay, austerities) just so that i can be as prepared as i could to help her reach the purelands when her time came. i had to because no one else in the family could. so the decision and sacrifice was made to fully immerse myself in the daily practices just so that i can be in the best state to do what i had to do for her. 

family members couldn't understand what i had to go do everything this way when i could have just informed her about it. but life didn't quite pan out that way, of course. 

however, it was due to all these occurrences that kept her in the hospital where proper care could be given to her rather than at home but most importantly, she was able to fully let go of her physical body when her time came. before that, she didn't want to die. she believed that she could still hang on while her physical body was already deteriorating fast. she was in pain and breathlessness almost all the time and as her child, i knew her time was coming and it was coming fast. 

i needed her to know that she didn't have time anymore to care about the worldly things and to hold on to her faith in the buddha and just keep going were the only things that mattered. 

we were close. we spent great times together when she was still in good health and that was honestly, enough for me. my ultimate aim for her was this: i didn't want her to suffer too much and too long when her physical body could no longer hold on. 

...

i enjoy reflecting on my mother's life and also her passing. there are just so many lessons to learn from the entire journey and all the decisions that she had made (and also not make) in her life. 

so if there were to be unconditional love from my mother, it would be that. 

~ estella; thanks momma!

...

for the human time that i had with her, it was enough. there was nothing else for me to hope or wish for because among everything that was conditional, she was also always ready to meet me whenever i reached out. so, there were definitely moments of unconditionally and for that lesson, i witness that everything in life was like two sides of the same coin. 

and that was for sure, unconditional 💚

so about several weeks ago i came across this on reddit and it was fun to peek into someone's thoughts for a bit about buddhist iconography and what kind of ideas they have.

there were a myriad of answers (of course) and there were "proper" ones which described the common understanding of the symbol while there were also "funny" ones where it looked like they were making fun of the buddhist symbol.

personally, i'm just open to listening and observing the various interpretations. my personal preference is always the middle point where there is a understanding of the theoretical interpretation, taking a listen to others' interpretations and having my personal interpretations. the crux of all the symbolisms and whatnots is to help us reach buddhahood/enlightenment. if these symbols help us on our journey there regardless of the various interpretations, yea, i'm always up for it.

as what i've mentioned in my identification page, i'm (probably) a different person to everyone. there may be some traits about me that are shared among all the people i'd come across but there will always be some variations. however, the division appears when everyone is asserting that "i am right and you are wrong" based on what they observed, experienced, understood and integrated. 

thing is, why the division? why the separation? why the schism? 

and these are very subtle actions. one word/gaze can break relationships, communities and even personal vows and trust. these very subtleties are so subtle that it is easily overlooked. 

this, can happen to anyone. it doesn't matter what role we play in this life on earth. people make mistakes but the question often lies in if one realises it. and if the person realises it, what do they do about it? do they confess and apologise genuinely their wrongdoing of hurting others or do they just pour in more cement in hopes to cover up their mistakes and "move on"?

shocking to say that many would choose the latter instead and with the ingrained mindsets of people where "being older" = wiser...honestly, that is not necessarily accurate. there are always two divergent paths here - one side expecting and believing that they deserve to be respected because of their vast experiences and having been living on earth more years that you have while the other side is ultimately passive where they allow the younger ones to treat them with contempt and disrespect. 

two varying extremes but there will always be the ones in the middle. the compassionate and the lovely ones, highly respected, complete in their humility and groundedness. these are the ones who will apologise if they made a mistake and will explain why they made the mistake and how to rectify. they are the ones who go beyond their age, circumstances, experiences, choices...to actually deliver the lessons learn from the beginning to the end. 

these are the precious ones and these are the ones i want to learn from. and the loveliest thing about them is that they are always at ease - it is like their head and heart is aligned. i would always have this feeling that they have so much experiences but they seemed to align everything inside them. therefore they have nothing to fear or worry about or even doubt. they just get it. and most importantly, they live it. 

and even in their dying journey reflects their accomplishments. yes, i have always believed that how a person physically deteriorates is a reflection of how well they lived their life. if their final deterioration journey is a smooth and painless one despite having disease or the failure of organs, they have definitely accomplish the alignment. 

these are the worthy elderlies whom i wish more elderlies can learn from and be. but nowadays, many folks are so hung up on life. money, fame, reputation, demanding respect from everyone, inability to even come to terms that they are in their physical decline, regrets, cannot come to terms that they have made mistakes and did not apologise to those they have hurt...i can go on but it is not necessary. 

...

so, offering. i see offering to the buddhas and bodhisattvas as a means to rectify those wrongs and being truly and sincerely repentant about the mistakes one has made in their life.

🙇‍♀️offering through prostration: the willingness to be below others requires a huge amount of humility. consider this: would any elderly bow down to a 21-year-old teacher of worthiness? 

🔮offering of sense spheres: the willingness to accept that the sensations that you feel are not yours but dependent originated. there is nothing to hold on to, really. it just is.

🪦offering of the body and well, your life: how many of us are willing to die just to save another mother sentient being from suffering?

~ estella; the alignment

QUEEN.

i actually see you in her. i do. i don't know how much that might resonate with you but i do see her in you. 

she's strong and beautiful, just like you. you are strong and beautiful, as you are. 

walk that runway, girl

and slay them demons.

nothing can stop you

and your adversities.

toss them aside

like how you'd unhook and toss them twin sisters out every night!

toss them out.

the greed, the hatred, the delusions, the pride and the jealousy

toss them out.

there is no room for that

for pleasure and pain, for gain and loss, for praise and blame, for fame and disrepute.

there is only room

for enlightenment. for buddhahood.

for the endings of sufferings

for all mother sentient beings.

for that's only what i dream

for you

for them

for him

for her

for me

....eventually and ultimately.

~ estella; to touch is to comprehend, to avoid is to misunderstand, to walk the path is strength, to walk away from the path makes a wo(man). to sing the sorrows is giving thanks, to break promises there's no samsaric end.

i read a note my grandma wrote back in 1923

grandpa kept it in his coat and he showed it once to me

he said, "boy, you might not understand but a long long time ago

grandma's daddy didn't like me none but I loved your grandma so

we had this crazy plan to meet and run away together

get married in the first town we came to and live forever

but nailed to the tree where we were supposed to meet instead

i found this letter and this is what it said

"if you get there before I do, don't give up on me

i'll meet you when my chores are through, i don't know how long i'll be

but i'm not gonna let you down, darlin', wait and see

and between now and then until i see you again

i'll be loving you

Love, me"

i read those words just hours before my grandma passed away

in the doorway of a church where me and grandpa stopped to pray

i know i've never seen him cry in all my fifteen years

but as he said these words to her, his eyes filled up with tears

"if you get there before I do, don't give up on me

i'll meet you when my chores are through, i don't know how long i'll be

but i'm not gonna let you down, darlin', wait and see

and between now and then until i see you again

i'll be loving you

Love, me

between now and then until i see you again

i'll be loving you

Love, me"

~ colin raye; love, me

same title.

three different songs. 

three different meanings. 

three different artistes.

same expression of surprise.

...

1) expresses surprise that an individual is capable of possessing that much  confidence and charisma and is living in the moment

2) expresses surprise of working so hard to have everything in life that one always wanted but in the end, the heart is still empty

3) expresses surprise at how unprepared one can be when someone comes and takes their breath away. at this point, one is caught up and blinded by pleasures of the flesh

...

the simplicity of language always moves me because it is what it is. there is no need for any va va voom. just simple, easily understood and communicated.

~ estella; language is art so paint it with love 🩷

so i was watching tsem rinpoche's video a couple of hours ago and i loved how he faced difficult emotions straight in the face. it's about breaking the social construct of "how being a monk should be" and he literally broke that stereotypical view. that's actually very fantastic. 

before i settled down into dharma with my current teacher (whom i adore dearly), i did hear other teachers bitching about tsem rinpoche and that led me to find out more about him because 🤷🏻‍♀️, humans. humans have this tendency to bitch about others when the other is doing something bigger and supposedly more influential than what they are doing and want to do...essentially, when the other is doing "better". 

so, i went to find out about tsem rinpoche and read up on his colourful history. and soon after, i went to check out his public materials such as his videos and blogs - it was then i realised why people bitched about him.

he is truthful. he is blunt. he is direct. he cuts like a sharpened knife because he sees and understands where the sufferings of mankind are. he knows the bruises and he is not afraid to puncture the ego if it gets too big for its own good. oh, and he says it as it is. there's no covetousness. it was what it was and he served it on a silver platter. take it or leave it.

for that, i honour his presence albeit it was a short time. he was someone that i feel that we all need in our lives to break free from the chains of greed, hatred, delusions, arrogance and jealousy. and for the very fact that he had been around, he understood very well that some things in life for lay people are really difficult to overcome but he's direct enough to point out the issue without being blatantly disrespectful. 

personally, i honour teachers who actually had gone through life's hardships. the struggles and pains of simply just being a human. that's enough suffering, honestly. and i would wholeheartedly respect them even more if they are able to deliver what they had learnt because everyone can memorise and regurgitate the dharma. but where's the integration, really. 

as a lay practitioner, i always find utmost joy in having a teacher who is able to integrate the teachings of the Buddha into their lives and share what they have learnt with their students. because teachers are still humans and they are not free from samsaric suffering though i believe they can handle them better than we do. hence, i felt that tsem rinpoche knew that and he brought that out, which is thoroughly nothing short of amazing. 

and i loved the fact that he's just being him without any pretense. it's either a yes or a no, there wasn't any half-ass answers or even answers so ambiguous that the questions were not even answered (some teachers enjoy doing that which i don't understand why? it only shows me that he/she doesn't quite know what to say or do actually.) 

he was who he was and he was unashamed to put himself out there and fight to stand his ground. i really love that because that's faith that he's teaching. it's about not getting swayed despite being pelted with rotten eggs. he stood tall, confident, firm in his footing and just lived his life serving his teachers and also assisting his students. 

well, he pretty much didn't give a fuck about what people say and that is something that i can learn from. that grounded faith in his teachers and the three jewels is truly an eye and heart opener 🙏

~ estella; observing great teachers facing difficult emotions like a queen👑

ps. there is no lack of buddhist teachers out there nowadays but as a lay practitioner, my question has always been this - how many of them can actually relate and relay their experiences to the people? honestly, i don't need more teachers to regurgitate same examples that the books have, but how do we and can we apply the Buddha's teachings in our lives so that we can be responsible humans to other mother sentient beings considering we are just visitors on this planet we call earth. it's all about the concepts and essence of the Buddha's teachings, isn't it? and it is also about how the dharma is being delivered to the people. i mean, there are people who actually feel guilty for not being able to sit and meditate even though they want to but just couldn't squeeze out time for it, and can we actually blame them? time is money and without them, where do the financial support come from? everyone is trying their best so how many teachers can actually empathise with that and do something about it. then, that would have been an act of teaching about compassion, isn't it? 

standing there

watching you watching me watching us.

turning away

seeing him seeing her see them.

many going into the darkness

falling inside

many escaping the light

it is too bright

not enough merit.

just simply not enough

to buy the one way ticket

Home.

~ estella; 

object or subject

object and subject 

⚫/⚪; ⚫-⚪

abhorrence. condemnation. humiliation. hatred. indifference. criticism. apathy. resentment. repulsion. 

the antonyms of 'adoration'. i can go on with more but we get it, don't we? 

the uncomfortable feelings and states. the ones that makes us feel less than. so, just a couple of hours ago i was triggered by an incident with how a sales person handled my aftersales situation. personally, i felt that she could have handled it with professionalism and that is, to render assistance to a customer from the purchase till delivery completion. i had purchased a gift for a relative of mine who had recently lost her husband to terminal illness (to which the seller knew about), i wanted the gift to be with her as soon as possible. however, from the time i purchased the gift till now, it has been coming to a month with no further updates from the postal tracking page since about 10 days ago. hence, i reached out to her in the hopes of getting some help to check the whereabouts of my purchased item. but what i had received was silence. 

i had requested for additional information in the email. upon waiting for a couple of days for her reply (where our previous correspondences were relatively fast that is, she would respond within the hour or almost immediately), i found myself getting flustered and frustrated over the silence. thus, i dropped her another message specifically requesting for the tracking number, and her response came as soon as i hit the send button.

with the necessary information, i went to check with the local postal service regarding the whereabouts of the parcel only to find out that it had gotten stranded at the customs due to unpaid duty fees.

well, at least i was getting somewhere, isn't it?

so i made the necessary payments and now, it's just the waiting game.

...

what's my point then? 

my point here is that, all these occurrences could have been deemed unnecessary or avoided or rectified if one is able to empathise with the other. 

and to me, empathy is a part of adoration. it is about giving the other consideration and thoughtfulness. this is essentially part of working for the benefit of all sentient beings.

i mean look, if the seller were to be in my shoes, i think she would be flustered and frustrated too. so, if you wouldn't want to feel this way, then why create circumstances that make others feel this way?

...

❝don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you.❞ 

~confucius

...

so true, isn't it? but i often would see this where someone states that the bad things always happen to good people and vice-versa. well frankly, what's the point in that statement? we know that nature always checks and balances out every single thing in life. and just because the consequences do not come at your time, it doesn't mean that it will never come. 

difficult emotions are difficult because it takes processing. it takes patience, equanimity, vulnerability, openness, a non-judgmental approach and, lots of deep breathing and biting of tongue. 

hurt people hurt people. angry people anger people. deluded people delude people. that's the cycle. that's the samsara. that's the ignorance.

~ estella; just observing

it's a new month already!

and this month is adoration. adoration for being a female human. adoration for the existence of male humans. adoration for the three jewels. adoration for art. adoration for cause and effect, which is great so that everything is kept in check and balance.

i love exploring the various and different facets of adoration, love, intimacy and everything in between. to me, it's not just limited to physicality but something more ephemeral. something less concrete but more abstract. something less heavy but more spaciousness and freedom. 

the three jewels provide that. 

You provide that and it's just mesmerizing. divine. 🫶🏿

...

i used to keep turtles and leeches as pets when i was younger. i used to kiss my turtles on their heads, hands, feet and even on their shells. they loved it. as for the leeches, those were for treatment purposes for grandma. usually after treatments, the leeches would be thrown away into the nearby waterbody or put into 70% ethyl alcohol to be killed or some people would sprinkle salt on them.

this always made me sad so i would collect rainwater and put the leeches inside to give them time to digest their meal before letting them go. well, these guys when they are full, they become vulnerable as they just float in the water. and putting them in sea water will kill them immediately so they need fresh waterbody. 

anyway, they would go through this process which i just called it 'transfusion' because they would throw up a clear transparent jelly-like liquid which absorbs a lot of water. so, if they are put in an environment where there is less water, they will also die due to suffocation. 

i really felt for these guys. 

so one day, i noticed one of them escaped from its container and finally found him hidden under the shoe cabinet. i took him out and he was just throwing up so much of the jelly. i quickly took him back to the container and filled it up with fresh rainwater, hoping to moisten him. he clung onto my hand, refusing to let go even though my whole palm was already submerged. he had a tiny suction cup at the end of his body which stuck onto my palm. his mouth was pressing against my palm as well, as if kissing my hand needing some comfort. 

i took him closer to me and just massaged his body gently. he was bloated and he writhed its body as if trying to purge. i gave him tiny kisses on his head and body, telling him it's okay. a few minutes later, he threw up a thick jelly substance and his suction pad came loose. he fell into the container and there he was, floating and then sank. dead. 

even though our time together was short but i felt for all of them. they were my constant companions and i adore them very much. they were just doing what they were meant to do in that life and when time was up and job's done, then they had to go. 

somehow, it was like his way of saying 'thank you for not killing me'🥹

...

❝my eyes adored you though i never laid a hand on you

my eyes adored you like a million miles away from me

you couldn't see how i adored you so close, so close and yet so far ❞

~ estella; essentially, words exist just for communication purposes.