❝Interesting the way people are hungry for a real connection nowadays. At the same time, it’s scary to get in your hands the key to someone else’s heart, specially those with a pure soul but who have gone thru really hard times. You don’t want them to suffer anymore nor have anymore fears, you just want to have a long drive with them on empty roads at night and talk, and listen to music and make them laugh... you just don’t want them to cry anymore, you want them to have well rested nights with no more nightmares. You want to hold them in silence until all the pain, and suffering, and loss are gone. You want to find the ones that hurt them and make them pay, you want to protect them from any sort of evil from the world, because even when they have this strong core to survive/thrive/fight on a daily basis, they have this secret garden and one night they just let you in and get mesmerized with all that beauty inside... but there’s fragility in that garden too and you don’t want to break anything, you feel blessed and grateful for the chance of being invited to that secret place in their psyche and their souls. And then sometimes they shut down themselves again in fear, like a deer, and you carefully and patiently have to show them that they can really trust you, that not every person in this world has an ulterior motive and that you truly care for them and their wellbeing, no matter what and without expecting anything in return.❞ 

~ @edithrodriguezsoto1260

...

closing this month with strength being a feminine, female, woman, girl, mother, grandmother, wife, girlfriend, friend, lover, companion, acquaintance...and all the roles that a female plays in her life. 

there is a place where strength resides. that's where the magic lives. that's also the place within that is vulnerable and pure. that is the space within and prohibited. 

strength is giving wholeheartedly without expecting anything in return but trusting and having faith that there will be a return, some day some way. 

it's about being there when another is at their lowest points in their lives while being happy for them when they are at their highest.

strength is also about honouring and accepting others for who they are and where they are in life. assist them whenever they ask for it and walk with them.

...

honouring the light in me so i can honour the light in you ✨

strength... 

...to put the damn bloody phone down and away. even just for one second.

🤦🏻‍♀️

have we become slaves to our phones just because phones are the portal to the cosmic universe of endless information? 

have you been to the mall and check out the waiters outside the public toilet? the rows of humans who are endlessly diving into their phones, seemingly searching for information to feed themselves? or scrolling for nothing? aimlessly browsing through...nothing? watching random videos and shorts just to satisfy this hunger...this...strange...craving.

it is strange because this particular desire is so driven. it drives actions so easily. the action to pick up the phone and just tap tap tap. 

all. for. naught!!

and worst still, there is this thing called the phantom vibration syndrome. i know it has been going on for a while now but that's the issue!!

IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A WHILE NOW!!

🤦🏻‍♀️

and don't even talk about the costs of phones nowadays. oh goodness. a fucking phone for more than $800 USD...i mean....

🤷🏻‍♀️

...this insatiable desire to keep consuming, to keep taking and taking and taking.

it's appalling. 

and are we even using this device that we have paid for to the fullest? there are so many features in there but are we utilising them to the maximum capacity that we can?

21st century problem now - the constant desire to keep up with the joneses. the desire to be on the bandwagon. the craving for the current, new, latest of....anything. 

...

in the midst of all these things that i can't comprehend but to watch them all unfold in front of my eyes (and seeing how humans are getting slapped and led by their phones to don't know where...), it was also through this cosmic intricate web of everything that i found You.

so for that, i am grateful. i am glad. to have found You. through all that mesh of karmic information universe.

so for You, i would do anything. but only for You, okay? only for You. 

🫀

You are my superhero!

You are my life!

You are my heart!

You are my soul!

You are my music!

You are my breath!

You are my a-team!

...

You are enough. definitely enough.

take me Home.

take me Home.

take me Home.

...probably one of the reasons why Buddhism is my life. 

we are all alone and lonely every day. we are with our feelings, thoughts, perspectives, assumptions and the list goes on. and no one really knows what's there and what's that. what's in it. how does it taste like. how does it look like. no one really knows. we can only assume by conversing how delicious that plate of fried rice taste (to me) and try sharing that experience with another. 

but, it's almost impossible. 

hence, i grew up rather flustered, angsty, resentful and well, kept to myself most of the time (and i daydream so much to the point until my teachers had to involve my parents in my school "stuffs")....simply because i found that no one could really understand what the heck i was experiencing.

be it something funny or happy or sad or angry, no one could genuinely empathise but i found myself over-empathising with other people until i found myself drowning in other people's "stuffs". well, they have names for that like HSP (and i'm really not one with labels). Okay, then the entire baggage of issues came with that and it was like opening cans of worms and everything just spewed out. 

more labels spewed out - childhood trauma, parental neglect, child bullying, problem child, troublemaker...again, the list goes on. and i talked to friends about it but they couldn't get it. it's like as if i'm colour blind and when they tell me it's red but all i see is grey. so, it was just complex and i decided to reach out to organisations and professionals - maybe i would get some form of support for whatever i was going through. 

however, even professional support wasn't exactly it because as much as they tried to empathise - that was the furthest they could go. tried. 

and i do not blame the groups of humans who tried to listen and help but...i really felt so alone because no one seemed to "get it". 

...

long story short, connecting the dots backwards...honestly, i am utterly grateful for all the 💩 i'd been through. looking back, the journey couldn't have been better because the pieces just had to be pieced this way. one by one. step by step, and eventually lessons are taught and learnt (albeit painful) but the very fact that you have the strength to see all of them through...hey, pat on the back. that's strength right there. 😌

and Buddha was there through and through. He knew the karma had to be ripened this way in order for the lesson to come through and instead of just playing out the scenario as if a k-drama full of wailing...He turned them all into dharma. into teachings. into lessons. to be learnt, felt, understood and then integrated. 

...

do i still feel alone and loneliness nowadays? yes i do. there are days when these feelings come and they hit hard. but knowing that as feelings come, they also go. and when they do appear, it's one more opportunity for me to practice strength training. working on those heart muscles! 🫶🏿

...

also dedicating this post to chester and so many others who decided to leave earlier than their time's due. i was there a few times (split second decision was all it took) and i knew how all of that felt like when you are so alone and the loneliness is just way too overwhelming. and chester's music had brought me solace many many times in my life so, wherever he is right now - chester bennington, you will always be remembered and loved 🤍

...

❝the loneliest people are the kindest. the saddest people smile the brightest. the most damaged people are the wisest. all because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.❞ -Anonymous

time flies by when the night is young

daylight shines on an undisclosed location, location

bloodshot eyes lookin' for the sun

paradise delivered and we call it a vacation, vacation

You're painting me a dream that i

wanna belong in, wanna belong in

over the hills and far away

a million miles from L.A.

just anywhere away with You

i know we've got to get away

some place where no one knows our name

we'll find the start of something new

just take me anywhere, take me anywhere

anywhere away with You

just take me anywhere, take me anywhere

anywhere away with You

fun, little less, fun

little less

over-over-over-over

me, me-me-me, me

me-me-me, me-me-me-me

oh

fun, little less, fun

little less

over-over-over-over

me, me-me-me, me

me-me-me, me-me-me-me

truth comes out when we're blacking out

looking for connection in a crowd of empty faces, empty faces

Your secrets are the only thing i'm craving now

the good and the bad, let me in

'cause i can take it, i can take it

You're painting me a dream that i

wanna belong in, wanna belong in

over the hills and far away

a million miles from L.A.

just anywhere away with You

i know we've got to get away

someplace where no one knows our name

we'll find the start of something new

just take me anywhere, take me anywhere

anywhere away with You

fun, little less, fun

little less

over-over-over-over

me, me-me-me, me

me-me-me, me-me-me-me

oh

fun, little less, fun

little less

over-over-over-over

me, me-me-me, me

me-me-me, me-me-me-me

take me anywhere

oh, anywhere

anywhere away with You, ooh, ooh

take me anywhere

over the hills and far away

a million miles from L.A.

just anywhere away with You (oh anywhere, anywhere, anywhere)

i know we've got to get away

someplace where no one knows our name

we'll find the start of something new (oh we'll find the start of something)

just take me anywhere

take me anywhere

anywhere away with You (Anywhere, anywhere, anywhere)

just take me anywhere

take me anywhere (oh take me anywhere, now)

anywhere away with You (anywhere, anywhere, anywhere)

fun, little less, fun

little less

over-over-over-over

anywhere away with You

oh

noah: "hi."

allie: "noah. noah."

noah: "hi, sweetheart. i'm sorry i haven't been able to be here to read to you."

allie: "i didn't know what to do. i was afraid that you were never coming back."

noah: "i'll always come back."

allie: "what's gonna happen when i can't remember anything any more? what will you do?"

noah: "i'll be here. i'll never leave you."

allie: "i need to ask you something."

noah: "what is it, sweetheart?"

allie: "do you think that our love can create miracles?"

noah: "yes, I do. that's what brings you back to me each time."

allie: "do you think our love could take us away together?"

noah: "i think our love can do anything we want it to."

allie: "i love you."

noah: "i love you, allie."

allie: "good night."

noah: "good night. i'll be seeing you."

...

❝ ashes to ashes, dust to dust - this physical body simply do not last.

but in the three jewels we must -

Trust. ❞

c'est la vie!

people watching, daydreaming, taking myself on a date...💜

small talk, one way communication, defensive walls...☠️

and as what i've mentioned before (one of the posts somewhere): my physical body will die someday so who's going to be there for me when that happens?

honestly, i don't expect anyone to be there when this mind of mine exits this physical body. so to me, it is so crucial to find the right place to anchor one's mind. 

gallup strengthsfinder explanation of intellection

since the thoughts keep coming and running, why not anchor it somewhere...permanent and blissful?

Buddha.

Buddha.

Buddha.

Dharma.

Dharma.

Dharma.

Sangha.

Sangha

Sangha.

rinse, repeat, recycle.

that's it. run everything single thing through that. and mantras. call His name over and over and over again. i love to think about Him and of Him. everything about Him is wonderful and perfection. 🥰

who doesn't love Him? He's the exalted one! the most venerable! the one and only! the kindest and most compassionate! the sweetest! the most amazing tathagata! 💟

...

👈that's the #4th. till then...

ॐ अमिताभ ह्रीः 

ཨོཾ་ཨ་མི་དྷེ་ཝ་ཧྲཱི༔ 

so about two weeks ago i had gone to a personal development course back in my alma mater. 

the clifton strengths by gallup

in summary, strengths finder is a personal development tool where a participant is required to answer 200 multiple choice questions in 30 minutes. once completed, the system will consolidate your answers and score your responses according to the 34 strengths that are presented. 

❝Focus On Your Strengths, Not Your Weaknesses.❞ ~ Gary Vaynerchuk 

clifton strengths finder encourages one to identify one's strengths, cultivate, nourish and build a career (or life) around them rather than trying to "fix" one's weakness/es. 

there is a good point in that because all of us have strengths and weaknesses but it is such a human behaviour that we were taught, groomed, scolded, forced...throughout our lives to keep working on the things that we are not so good in - in hopes that we will improve and do better. 

just as how i am better in language but not math or how some people are fantastic leaders but terrible partners. it is on the similar strain. ultimately, we are still humans with physical bodies to contend with and on top of that, we have physical limitations where within this physical body of ours, there are dualities at play so the question remains - with these limitations (eg. the deterioration of the physical body), we do not have much time living so what do we want to focus on?

perfecting our strengths or trying to equalise our weakness?

although this tool is usually (and often) taken by mostly people who want to build a work career but i see greater potential and possibilities with this. i see that by identifying and understanding one's strengths, one can streamline their focus/intention into finding their life purpose. 

and through this process, one can also cultivate awareness and see how they can function within their environment without burning out. and with this tool, one can also build their life around their strengths. who knows? one may also slowly identify ways to work with their weaknesses by applying their strengths towards overcoming difficulties. 

hence, as with all information and knowledge, it is crucial to integrate and expand that learning into one's life. applying the information and knowledge received through working on it every single day, moment to moment. 

but i believe that when we work on our strengths and hone them to perfection - there is joy. there is this thing where time just passes by so quickly. that, is enjoyment. that, is a talent.

...

from bottoms up, intellection is my #5th. i'll go integrate before putting my discoveries down. 

i'm not about to go into a tirade but i sure am getting bored. it takes two hands to clap and two to tango, for sure. if i'm a bitch, then you are a bastard. if i'm white then you're black. if i'm a bastard then you're a bitch. if i'm black then you're white.

you want this but you're so scared. you're scared of this but you want this. so, what do you really want? it's strange. i don't understand.

then you call me names: bitch, slut, whore, devil woman, loose woman, wild...okay, keep going. you paint yourself so saintly. 

honestly, you're nothing but a liar and a good one. you're good. you tricked humanity into believing you. 

you.

you will face your consequences. your karma. your entire existence of tricking sentient beings into believing you. 

ego. you. faceless phantom.

the three jewels you will face. yes, call me what you want and maybe try improving your vocabulary by attending the buddha's teachings available 24/7, 7 days a week, every single moment of the month and year. 

you can definitely do better with the help of the buddhas and bodhisattvas of the ten directions, of course. and just when you think that no one is watching you, you are so wrong. the three jewels are watching you, every single move you make. 

by the way, your disguises are getting dated. you need an upgrade with the buddha. make time and come through. they'll be waiting for you. oh no, they are waiting for you. no, they have been waiting for you.

...let a wild one go free? 

...

waiting (however long)

i don't like waiting...(i'll wait for You)

it's so hard waiting...(don't be too long)

but

seems like waiting...

makes me love You even more.

...

ॐ तारे तुत्तरे तुरे स्वाहा 💚

ༀ་ཏཱ་རེ་ཏུཏྟཱ་རེ་ཏུ་རེ་སྭཱ་ཧཱ། 🌟

i want to convey the sad times only after everything is scattered,

can you hear it

close your eyes and feel the moving heart

my gaze towards you

don't wait for a special miracle

in front of us, our rough path won't change

with an unknown future and high walls

i won't give up

protect me with an unchanging love

towards my wounded heart

no need for words because in your gaze

time has stopped

i love you, just like that

wandering has come to an end

so, goodbye to the sadness of repeating in this world

in countless unknown paths

i chase after the faint light

we'll be together forever

in my new world

feeling alone in this dark night

your gentle breath warmly embraces me in this moment

sharing all my trembling emotions with you

i love you, just like that

wandering has come to an end

so, goodbye to the sadness of repeating in this world

just thinking of you makes me stronger

help me not to cry

we'll share this moment together

in our new world

credit here and here

~ estella; used to be young life after life after life

equanimity.

the roles you play don't define you. 

you are just another being who wants to make it back Home safely. 

we are all just walking each other Home.

~ estella; aren't we all?

i enjoy having conversations with a genuine other about difficult topics. topics that bring up pain, suffering and everything else in between. and i applaud individuals who are willing to face their worst fears head on, especially facing their own projections and the reflections that they receive. 

topics that make us uncomfortable. anxious. fearful. hyperventilate. jittery. cold sweat and wet palms. walls come up. defensive. wanting to retaliate. quick reaction. wanting to always be right and never wrong. unapologetic...and many more but to be stripped naked and bare, that's where the real work starts. the real inner work finally begins.

because there is nothing to hide. nothing to hold you back. no support. nothing. just you and your...stuff. and it's about facing each of them squarely, as it is. no need for any sugar coating or honey stars, it is what it is and only through looking at it for what it is (and was), then this "stuff" can finally be laid to rest as whenever you look at it again, you don't feel like or dislike. no hatred or love. no pain or pleasure but rather a view of 'zero point'. it's not positive or negative but just at the center. the middle. the zero of everything. 

i think that's when you have finally laid everything to rest. sending everything and everyone involved with a peace of mind, love and acceptance. 

...

rehashing the past - be it pleasant or unpleasant, simply brings no closure as every time that memory gets rehashed, it gets more corrupted. well, we can never remember exactly that moment. it is only in that moment that we experienced was the truest and realest at that moment in time. we are humans and we can only remember what we want to remember about that moment and what we are rehashing is basically our choice of what we had chosen to focus on and thus remember. so, is there a bias? is there duality? and are these actually self-created and self-induced? 

something to meditate on.

...

and everything that happened in life contributed to who and what we are today, isn't it? if without that argument that made you leave home and be independent, would you be so hardworking today? if it wasn't for that breakup, would you have learnt to see that to build a relationship takes time and effort on both side? if it wasn't for that ostracism, would you have faith? 

if it wasn't for my difficult growing up period with my parents, i would not be here writing these and meeting and connecting with the people in my life right now and doing whatever i'm doing in my life and made and making the decisions that i had made so far and will make soon. 

difficult conversations, situations grow a person. it pushes one to test their limits. it ensures one matures and see things for what they truly are. and i love it. i simply love it. difficult topics ensures release. acceptance. realisation. and most importantly, difficult topics, conversations, situations push one to change for the better. because you have to live. it's not time to go yet so you can't. so you've got to live. and you'll have to find ways to do so. 

the beautiful thing? you'll never die if you grow, change, transform with the three jewels. things in life may break and become irreparable but that grows your compassion. you see the impermanence of the things in life. whatever those things are. immaterial or material. gross or subtle. to hold on or to let go. to fight/flight or to stay. 

and i remember my mom used to say this to me - "you will only know who are the real ones in your life not when you are successful and on top. it is when you are at the rock bottom with nothing left, who are the ones with you? those are your true friends." 

i second that. i had always second that. because when you have nothing to give, who will truly stay beside you and walk with you till the end? and this is one difficult topic because the answer can be all alone.

~ estella; no fear because You are with me in every step of the way.

❝it takes great strength to forgive but takes even greater strength to forget. however, it takes greatest strength to accept the outcome, close the chapter, lay everything in the past down and move on - finally and for good. and in and through all these, there is no animosity and apathy...just silent sympathy and empathy for the one who caused the pain because, hurt people can only hurt people and kindness always begets kindness. ❞

~ estella; "yea, that's my quote."