the ongoing world is filled with so much stuffs - from every one's pointing at themselves and wanting to be noticed to sentient beings dying and getting recycled to "seeing is believing" and constantly preaching about "proofs" and "evidence" concerning almost anything and everything..., it is laborious.

attention.

validation.

limelight.

me me me.

money.

buy it all.

i'm too young to die.

i won't die.

i don't want to die.

bored.

miserable.

why?

how dare you hurt me?

i am suffering.

i have all these conditions so pay attention to me.

i want to be special but i also want to be treated normal.

...

it happening in everyone's insides, isn't it? burying it. avoiding it. escaping from it. sight unseen. but it is still there unless there is a reconciliation. a reconciliation that the presence of all these also means the presence of all those. without this, how can there be that and vice versa? 

offsprings cannot be developed without the father or the mother, alone. 

sometimes i do wonder what are the fights, debates, disagreements...are all about? humans just want to be heard (and validated to a certain extent). different points of view is deemed to be an attack on the sharer's beliefs. 

then where do genuine, sincere, vulnerable and open conversations go? 

telling someone i care becomes a fear-based statement for words can be twisted and used against the speaker. and what value and/or satisfaction do one get?

and anything uncomfortable is space for growth and learning. one of the scariest thing to do is to look at pain and suffering in the face and be at ease with it. seeing it for what it is and lay it down on compassion. 

who wants to see the ugly and the tormented? who wants to be ostracised and isolated? who wants to be the one to be abandoned and left aside? but these are happening. every where. every moment. even right now. 

...

💎💎💎 You are my one and only Refuge 💎💎💎

...

❝people need stories. stories of love, hope, survival, wisdom and sometimes pain. maybe you don’t tell them the full truth; maybe you tell them lies. but what is this world? a lie in itself. ❞ ~ savi sharma

...

~ estella; "can you hear me running, can you hear me calling you?"

i wonder...

if i were to meet a sravaka (hearers) or a pratyekabuddha (solitary realizers), would i be able to identify them?

and if i were to be able to, i want to have an actual conversation with them to understand how they feel and what goes through their minds and what are their thoughts. i mean, it'll be really interesting. 

it's so easy to keep looking outwards for validation, support and everything that we want. but when we actually quietened down, we'll see that everything that we ever wanted and needed is within us all along. 

but as humans, we want to satisfy the sense spheres. touch/feel, taste, smell, listen/hear, see/observe...these give us a sense of "assurance" but it dies eventually. 

when it ends, we yearn. we crave. we want. we cling. it's like a drug and there is a heaviness to it. 

that's some kind of side effect, isn't it?

but when space is given to it, breathe into it, let it flow, appreciate these sensations for what they are, feel them, smell them, taste them, touch them, listen about them, observe them...and just watch them dance - it's a beautiful actually. 

...

however if we fight it or bury it or try to yank it out as if brazilian waxing, oh it's going to hurt like #^%*. so yes, go with it but not be lead by it. 

by the way, today's video and images are not my creations per se but rather, the ideas and thoughts behind them resonate. 

~ estella; if you think fuck is vulgar, it is legit english.

sometimes it is nice to look back and spend that moment to connect the dots backwards, for a while. i had just spent a couple of hours looking back at some decisions that i had made in the past and reconnecting that very moment when i was making that decision.

how did it feel like? do i still remember what was going through my mind? what were my thoughts? how was i living my life then? who was i hanging out with? all these questions surfaced and i just let them. 

{the and} came up.

that was a huge undertaking, honestly. from travelling to the other side of the world to bringing this project to a fruition without a budget (ie. we were not paid to do this)...quite a few participants we met asked, "why are you guys doing this? and without getting paid? i don't think it is possible to even start! let alone finish?!"

there were definitely moments where panic and anxiety were my first name and moments where i wanted to give up. but there was something in that space between that was fascinating. 

it felt like my head with fantastic headphones on. it was like that. the flow between two individuals were felt and seen. the best thing was, everyone saw something different. that was truly beautiful and as i played the role of a film director, a gathering of the team had to be done - before the start and at the end of all filming days. 

it was about bringing everyone's experiences of the space together - sharing, supporting and letting go, without the need to agree or disagree or judge or criticise. you see what you saw and that is it. it is what it is. this global project brought back many valuable moments. 

also, communicating with everyone (the local team, the global residents and the skin deep team) was a mix bag of everything because everyone came as they were. everyone brought different cultures, ethnic backgrounds, thought processes, life experiences...everything. and it was scary sometimes because i wouldn't know what to say and the last thing i wanted to do then was to offend anyone.

but now thinking back, there was no way for me to know unless the barrier/wall came down and that would mean vulnerability and genuine openness. that was the start that we must successfully complete this project no matter what.

so we did. the project concluded within the year and was produced soon after. 

although i no longer keep in touch with the people that i had met here, they expanded my life in ways that only being in this experiential journey can. it's all the subtle moments from the shared little chuckles to the eye contact to the natural reactions to everything around us. 

those moments have come and gone, and so will all the other moments coming. even right now as i am typing this, it has already passed. life's like that, isn't it?

~ estella; wide awake 👀

language. grammar. vocabulary. it's so diverse yet so constrained sometimes.

for instance, leaf is a singular noun while leave is a verb. leaves is also a noun but plural but it is also singular verb. 

i mean... 🍃

it is no wonder that miscommunication and misunderstandings happen. various definitions and points of views. again with the i'm right, you're wrong...and wanting others to understand and empathise with us but do we extend our time and effort to understand and empathise with others first and take that as the basis for generating compassion?

as humans who are so ingrained with this and that, we take what is nice and comfortable and throw out what is painful and uncomfortable. however if we were to observe these states squarely and essentially, are there any differences or it's just the language of the mind trying to vie for attention? 

...

validation. approval. instant gratification. shut up and listen.

those are some quick fixes and temporary feel good pills but quite frankly, i enjoy employing these because it facilitates communication and understanding. these are exemplary tools to use and if used properly (and ethically), many walls come down and honest exchanges happen. 

and really, just shut up and listen. listen. there's so much pleasure in that!

~ estella; in the mood of "you can do it, babe!" 💪🏾

every bead is like a sense sphere 

rubbing it brings awareness and clarity

to be in the now and here

is simple but not that easy.

just as everything in this world connects

the tiny beads

one by one it sits

next to each other easy to reach.

like interconnectedness to one another

you and me

father and mother

lover to lover.

the spaciousness of love is felt within

and it goes around bead by bead

feel it, just feel it.

~ estella; flowing through her tiny sense spheres

but do we take notice of it is another experience altogether. 

so, i love people watching, things watching...give me some subtle "voyeurism" and i'm in. but watching with a dharma lens brings a whole new dimension of experience that is worthwhile. it is an experience where if you sit with it for a bit, you can actually taste it or smell it. and it's flavourful. extremely addictive and powerful.

i caught this gorgeous rainbow on a bus stop bench and the streaks illuminated the shadow. and i thought to myself, "yes, even in the darkest moments or periods in life, there is always a rainbow guiding me out of the tunnel like a path to the light." 

even in the most hopeless or boring or depressive days, there is always a rainbow streak that leads you out of your predicament because no thing is permanent here. that's how this dimension rolls. what goes up must come down. what goes in must come out. when you have right you have a left too. 

and in the light, we find, embrace, accept and understand darkness. in the joy, we learn, accept, appreciate and be grateful of unhappiness. there is no way to fully know one without the other but the environmental constructs that we live in indefinitely shapes the way we think and ultimately, conducts itself through our actions. 

i mean look, even as babies and as children, they are constantly being asked about what they liked and do not like. what they want and do not want. between mom and dad, which one you love more? 

we were taught dualities at a very young age and probably even when we were in our mother's womb or even earlier...maybe even during conception. thus, it is no wonder that we see everything as separate - this and that, i'm right and you're wrong.

but, is it? 

the rainbow sits in the sky with the clouds. it also sits in the shadow with the light. the bubbles come and go as they do. just like our thoughts, our experiences, our feelings, our joys, our sadness, our angers, our pains, our successes, our failures, our memories, our loved ones, our not-so-loved ones, the stranger beside and opposite...dharma is there. it is everywhere. 

but do we notice it them he she they...? or are we so buried and mired in our sense spheres that keep spinning non-stop. and the chase. oh, the chase. for the insubstantial and immaterial. keeps looping and looping but no thing is really remembered when this lifeline exhausts. 

what's genuinely worthwhile then?

for me, it is the three jewels. it is the 'tripod of enlightenment' and also, the triangle is the most stable geometry in the world. and there, there is the gömböc too. 

~ estella; in her sense spheres

one of things that i recall about our conversations was, "how about this, estella? let us exchange our art instead of money because money is just so transactional. but our friendship isn't. so, let us gift each other our talents and when we meet again, let us gift each other that." 

i said, "i'm not quite an artist yet though i really love art. but okay, i will do my best painting for you. i will try." 

we met at a local festival called 'love & light'. she's an aussie and shared a booth with her husband. her flair was upcycling materials and transforming them into art. i got a necklace from her and till today, i still have them. 

then, the pandemic happened and i actually enjoyed the entire season. it was the only time in my life where everything could be silent for a bit. that was nice. 

during this time, it was interesting to look back and ponder on the many gifts that i had received from the people in my life who came and left. somehow, each of them had a part to play and when they played their part, it was time to go. so off they went. 

i was wondering about her and the gift that she had given me.

and it was the courage to pick up a pen and brush to draw and paint mandalas. mandalas fascinated me because each stroke speaks its own. it was a stroke by stroke journey and the silence that came with it was really loud. 

i got lost in it and every turn was an adventure waiting to be discovered. the curves, the edges, the softness and hardness of the strokes...building them up one by one, day by day and when this journey came to a close, i just marvelled at the entirety. 

and it was the best painting i had done for her and for a wonderful person (and artist) that she is, i just wanted to gift her some thing that encourages and motivates her to live authentically. 

now as i am writing this, this gift was probably meant for me all along... 

❝this is a gift for yourself now to encourage and motivate yourself to live your life as authentically as your heart and mind live.❞

for angela - maybe one day we'll meet again and we can trade stories 🫶🏿

~ estella; in a tiny bit of nostalgia

the wisdom, the feminine 

compassion and masculine 

coming together, coming forth

merges into a dance of light

reflecting everything

hiding nothing

senses excited and yearning to touch

like bubbles that bursts

when their time is up

~ estella; in the mood of thoughts